When I was 15 years old, I climbed Mt. Rainier. This achievement was the culmination of four years of Boy Scout experiences and months of dedicated training. It was incredibly difficult – to this day, the most physically challenging thing I’ve ever done. The boost in confidence I felt – the increased self-efficacy – cannot be understated. I still feel a surge of pride each time I look at the mountain.
Now, imagine the difference if I had flown to the top of Mt. Rainier in a helicopter. The results would have been the same – I would have stood atop the mountain – but there would have been no accomplishment. I would not have felt any more sure or proud of myself. Indeed, I might have felt less good about myself, knowing that most people reach the top through hard work while I took a shortcut.
This thought experiment is analogous to a struggle faced by many parents. You want your child to produce results – good grades, completed chores, etc. – and the fastest way to get results is overparenting, but the results are meaningless if the child doesn’t see them as accomplishments.
What’s Your Goal as a Parent?
A few years back, there was a college admissions scandal in which parents helped their kids cheat their way into elite universities. A lot was made of how immoral this all was, but little or nothing was said about how this must have made those kids feel. Imagine knowing that the only way you got into your college was by cheating. Even if you never got caught, that would weigh on you for the rest of your life, undermining your self-confidence. Deep down, you’d feel undeserving, like an imposter.
The parents behind the scheme were chasing results. They wanted their kids to attend high-end universities, so they could attain high-end jobs, so they could have lives of wealth and prestige. These parents forgot that, without accomplishing these results themselves, the kids would find the ends devoid of meaning. They forgot that their job was to raise people, not results.
Is your goal as a parent to have your kid get good grades or for them to become a skilled and curious learner? Is your goal to have the chores completed or for your child to learn the value of being helpful? What’s more important – that they get a good career or that they grow up to be a good person?
The latter options – the true goals of parenting – come from accomplishments. And you can’t rush them. You have to play the long game. It’s tempting to micromanage because it gets results in the short run. And if you stop micromanaging, your kid’s performance will dip. But after that dip comes a rise and, eventually, better results than you could ever have given them.
Help … But Not Too Much
Now, the alternative to micromanaging is not to do nothing. You still have a role to play; it’s just a supporting role, not the lead role.
You provide the resources they need to succeed – the tools, the textbooks, the home study space. You provide executive function scaffolding rather than micromanaging. You ask guiding questions, but you never give unwanted advice. You let them know you’re available to help, but you never foist your help upon them. You model the strategies and mindsets you’d like them to adopt.
This creates an environment in which they can achieve things (mostly) on their own and become confident, capable people along the way.
“It’s nice to have a little help, but we often resent when someone else tries to do it all for us. … If someone hands you the whole thing on a silver platter, they gift you the result, but rob you of the accomplishment. … Help along the way, but let them run their own race. Your job is to live life with them, not live their life for them.” –James Clear1
1 Clear, James. “3-2-1: On self-worth, how to have style, and how to build a great career.” September 5, 2024.
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