Does your kid spend too much time playing video games? Watching TikTok? Scrolling through Instagram?
One approach we regularly advocate for is leading by example and modeling less tech use, so what I’m about to suggest might sound contradictory.
I often say that a teenager is like a Chinese finger trap. You don’t get what you want by doing the intuitive thing – pulling; you get what you want by leaning in.
But when it comes to screen time, what does leaning in look like? It could look like this:
Become Tech Friendly
Your child seems to be glued to their devices. Instead of getting upset and telling them they should go outside or read a book, get curious.
With genuine, positive curiosity, ask them what they’re watching/doing. Ask follow-up questions. This is not an interrogation. Your tone is light. You’re genuinely interested. After all, if they’re really into it, there must be something good about it.
If it’s video games, ask them to teach you how to play. Practice a little on your own so you become good enough to play together. If your kid plays a solo game, start playing yourself, and when you’re struggling, ask them for help.
If it’s YouTube or TikTok, ask them what they’re watching and follow the same people. Get into it. Talk about what you’ve seen. Find what’s cool or funny or interesting and comment on it.
If it’s social media, join the network. Follow them, send them a friend request, react and comment on their posts.
Did I just tell you to go down the rabbit hole of addictive tech consumption and risk getting hooked yourself?
Yes.
But you’re an adult, meaning you have a fully formed prefrontal cortex, so I’m confident you can handle it.
Why have I told you to do this?
One reason is that it gives you more legitimacy when setting boundaries around screen time. If you’re genuinely into it, they can’t claim that you “don’t get it” any more than they can say you “don’t get it” when you decide you’re not going to keep cookies in the pantry. You love cookies, but unlimited access is unhealthy.
Another reason is that, if you’re engaging screen time with them, it instantly becomes not taboo. It’s no longer a thing they’re not supposed to do that they’re getting away with. This causes it to lose some of its appeal.
I distinctly remember a time period when Facebook was new and hip. Only college kids were on it. Our parents didn’t know about it or, if they knew, they didn’t understand what it was. I also distinctly remember when Facebook became uncool: right when everyone’s parents started joining it.
Teenagers today mostly use other social media platforms – ones that their parents “don’t get.” If Mom and Dad started posting videos on TikTok and trying to copy the latest trends with their friends, TikTok will suddenly become a lot less cool.
More Powerful Modeling
Now, let’s circle back to the standard advice of leading by example. The counterintuitive approach of becoming tech friendly still lets you model using tech less and actually makes your modeling even more powerful.
If you were an anti-tech luddite, then your kids would just think you were weird and out of touch. But if you’re a gamer who enjoys YouTube and social media, then any steps you take to reduce your own screen time will seem like steps anyone could take, steps even they could take.
Because the reality is that most kids who are on their devices too much know they’re on them too much. They actually want to use them less. They need adults who “get it” – grown-ups who love tech too – to show them (not teach them) strategies for reducing screen time. They need to see these strategies used often enough that putting their own devices away seems doable and normal.
Parents often fall into the trap of thinking that with screen time, they only have two options: institute draconian restrictions or give up and let kids do whatever they want. But there is a rich middle ground where you’ll find more success. A place where everyone gets to enjoy their devices without rampant overuse. A place where parents lead by example while still seeming like ordinary human beings. A place where families can be tech friendly and tech savvy without being tech addicted.
Related Reading: How to Model a Healthy Relationship with Technology
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